SOUTH BEND — Hi Q,

I’m Jack. You don’t know me. And I guess you probably wouldn’t like me. I’m a journalist. But I know you. Well, not really, because your identity is mysterious.

I know, however, that you, whoever you are, promote the widely spreading QAnon conspiracy theories. That’s some wild stuff, Q.

The world is run by a cabal of Satan-worshiping pedophiles operating a child-trafficking ring? Hillary Clinton is involved in abuse of kids in the basement of a Washington pizza restaurant? Pizzagate? So, Q, how did you come up with this stuff? Did you get mushrooms instead of the pepperoni you ordered for your pizza at that place? Is it all pepperoni revenge?

Why do you claim that cabal leaders not only molest kids but even kill and cannibalize their victims? Is this because those leaders, the ones you cite, like Oprah Winfrey, Pope Francis, Barack Obama and the Dalai Lama, also got some lousy pizza?

Back when you started this, Q, did you ever dream that all the major newspapers and television networks would have big stories about your QAnon? Or that the president of the United States would praise your followers as “people who love our country” and must be OK because they like him?

Did you start this to help President Trump politically by portraying him as in a secret struggle to the death to expose and destroy the evil cabal? Honestly, Q, would Trump keep the struggle secret, no tweets?

So, who are you, Q? Are those perceptive followers right in theorizing that you are John F. Kennedy Jr.? If so, how did you fake death in that plane crash? Or are you Elvis? Did somebody at that pizzeria step on your blue suede shoes?

Tell me, Q, what happened to the QAnon speculation that President Trump would replace Mike Pence on the Republican ticket with the resurrected John F. Kennedy Jr.? Did Kennedy, whether or not that’s you, decline? Or was Pence deemed too valuable to your cause?

Why are your internet posts so strange, so coded? Can’t you speak English? If Russian is your native language, how do you order a pepperoni pizza in Russian? When the FBI warned that QAnon followers are a potential domestic terrorism threat, did that boost support?

Speaking of conspiracy theories leading to terrorism, what do you think of the guy from North Carolina who drove to that pizzeria in Washington to free the kids in the basement? Was he right to storm in, firing a military-style assault rifle, as he searched the place while patrons fled? Why didn’t he find any kids or any place for imprisoning them? Did the cabal warn Hillary to get the kids out of there? Are you sad that the poor guy went to prison? Should he be pardoned?

What’s your favorite pizza? Deep dish? Or is that out because of word association with the Deep State? Do you like thin crust? Or is that unappealing for a person with a lot of crust? And are you ending up with a lot of dough?

When you sit around with other QAnon promoters to dream up new conspiracy messages, do you drink a lot? Do drugs? Do you laugh and joke about what you’ll tell your followers next?

Do you laugh uproariously at how QAnon helped to promote and then usurped and inserted its message in “Save the Children” marches? Is there pride in marchers carrying signs featuring pizza slices? Is it rewarding that false claims of all those cabal crimes against kids tie up child trafficking hotlines designed for tips about real abuse?

Did you really believe so many Americans are so stupid? Or did it come as a surprise when you found so many really are? Well, Q, I warned that you probably wouldn’t like me.

Jack 

Colwell covers Indiana politics for the South Bend Tribune.