Craig Dunn: Republicans grapple with social media
Thursday, April 20, 2017 9:05 AM
KOKOMO – Since my retirement as a Republican county and district chairman, I have spent much of my free time reading social media and exploring the many interesting people who call themselves Hoosier Republicans. I recently ventured out and joined the Cripple Creek Republican Study Group up near Goiter’s Notch. We met at Elsie’s Cup O’ Joe and Laundromat.
I fell into a bucket of luck because the group was beginning its study of a new book by Pastor Emily Miway titled, “Free to Be, Just Like Me.”
The leader of our study group, Marsha Tablelapper, is a prominent thought leader in the area and she dove right in to her analysis of Pastor Miway’s new book. “This book just reminds me why I can’t stand our Indiana General Assembly. Like Pastor Miway says, ‘All legislators are required to go over to the IU Medical School and have first year medical students remove all of their memory about what the good book says.’”
Being naturally inquisitive, I asked, “What exactly are you referring to?”
“You know what the good book says about the sanctity of life!” chortled Tablelapper.
“Ohhhhhh, you mean you are not happy with Indiana legislators not repealing the death sentence?”
“No, darn you, I mean that the leaders of the General Assembly didn’t give our God-fearing legislators the opportunity to vote to overturn the U. S. Supreme Court by outlawing abortion of any kind,” an obviously exasperated Tablelapper replied.
“Just how could the Indiana Legislature overturn the U. S. Supreme Court?” I inquired.
Marsha quickly responded, “It’s not never the wrong time to do the right thing.”
Harold Hemster, the local chapter president of the If You’re Gay, You Should Be Unhappy organization chimed in about his own beef with his legislators. “Why my senator, Ben Dover, not only helped block a vote on overturning the Supreme Court on abortion, but he also refused to vote for the bill confirming my 1st Amendment religious right to stand at a urinal next to a man and not some commie switch-hitter.”
“Wow!” I blurted out. “I didn’t know that there was either a constitutional right or a divine right to urinate next to a heterosexual man.”
“Well, I was told you fellers in the Republican leadership was just RINOs, but I never guessed you’d be stupid too. It’s right there in Efishings; ‘Thou shall not defile the sanctity of the men’s room’!” declared Hemster.
Peter “Pickle” Jackson, a retired policeman and current county inspector of weights and measures, couldn’t wait to weigh in on his own political hot button, gun control. “That there feller Brain Busma promised us that if we gave the Republicans a super majority in the legislature that he’d make sure that we’d have the right to carry our assault rifles into the school auditorium when we go to watch the Christmas pageant and Live Nativity Scene.
Well, he told a big fat whopper there! They stopped me at the door when they discovered that I had a hunnerd-round clip in the magazine. Seems a bill that my Rep. Chet Niceling filed got stuffed in a drawer ‘cause the Republican Caucus decided that 80 rounds was a better number.”
I must admit that at this point it was a great relief when Warner Greenside, the local bank mortgage officer, told the group that he wanted to discuss an issue that got to the meat of Republican core values.
“You all know as good Christians, Conservatives and Republicans in that order, we don’t believe in taxes of any kind except for the kind that buys cruise missiles. I’d like to know why the Indiana General Assembly is intent on destroying our economy and standard of living by increasing the gas tax. Our roads are just fine the way they are. Why I just told my wife about how good the roads were from Nappanee to Marion to Plymouth.”
“Pardon me Warner, but why did you drive from Nappanee to Plymouth via Marion?” I asked.
“Well, my fine RINO friend, because the road between Nappanee and Plymouth will jolt the fillings out of your teeth. Why I got pulled over by a county mounty the other day for suspected drunk driving on that road. I was weaving all over the place avoiding the chuckholes and almost head-on collided with Elder Yoder in his buggy. Despite that, we don’t need any new taxes!”
Just when I didn’t think that the Cripple Creek Republican Study Group could get any weirder, a quiet and pensive man, Michael Formica, spoke up. Formica is the executive director of Citizens Against Anyone Who Doesn’t Act Like Us. “I would propose that we law-abiding, Bible-loving, gun-toting and tired-of-being-taxed Hoosiers band together and send a message to our Indiana Republicans that we are going to go on strike until we’re listened to. We’ll not give any money to Republicans and we won’t vote for them. Maybe after they lose their majorities, they’ll get the message that they should listen to us.”
“Whoa down, just a diddly darn minute,” I shouted as I poured half a bottle of Prilosec down my throat. “Are you telling me that you’d rather see someone like Pat Bauer leading the Indiana House than Brian Bosma? On what planet are you from where it would be good for anyone who is interested in protecting life, protecting gun owner rights or controlling taxes to put Democrats back in charge of anything?”
Marsha Tablelapper quickly stood up and pushed her box of Twinkies, her Bible and a copy of Pastor MiWay’s book into her denim purse. She snatched up her big gulp cup of Cherry Coke and let us know that this meeting of the Cripple Creek Republican Study Group was over.
She looked back over her shoulder as she stormed out of the laundromat, but as she crashed into Melvin Piffle who was folding clothes, she blurted out, “Just like Pastor Emily says in her book, it’s my way or the highway and if it’s the highway, don’t make me pay for it!”
I think I’ll miss next week’s meeting.
Dunn is former chairman of the Howard County Republican Party.